Even though I claim to be the Queen of Halloween, there are still plenty of things in this world that legitimately scare me.  I’m not talking about nuclear holocaust (that’s too real and depressing).  I’m talking about the classical “scary” things that I’m legitimately afraid of.  The mention of any of these things, or coming in contact with them–results in my immediate distress.  Because I love you guys so much I’m willing to expose myself.  Here are 5 legitimate fears I have.



5) Robots

I don’t care how many Japanese men make remarkable discoveries in the world of robotics.  It all will inevitably lead to Skynet.  I don’t understand how the rest of you can ogle at a little dancing robot without cowering in fear at the thought of it using its badass dance moves to distract you while it tricks you and uses your body as a battery source.  I especially hate the idea of Artificial Intelligence.  Don’t you realize this is a TERRIBLE IDEA?  (Much like that movie).  The thought of owning any type of mechanical device that looks human severely irks me.  I don’t want to be around when they are eventually made, and we all know Apple is probably cooking up ideas for an iKid.  I will never trust robots.

4) Aliens

Thanks to films like Fire In the Sky (I hate you mom and dad for letting me watch it at the age of 5) I am terrified of anything to do with aliens. Real talk people.  Why would you want aliens to land on planet Earth?  Sure, Doctor Who is an alien–but he looks human so that’s not threatening.  Stop trying to debunk my legitimate fears!  I’m talking about the tall green men that turn cows inside out.  Think about it.  If these are intelligent beings able to bounce from planet to planet– what makes you so sure they’re peaceful?  After all, when the Europeans landed in America they were super nice and peaceful, right?  WRONG.  They gave out smallpox like Halloween candy.  If aliens come to Earth they’re going to take whatever natural resources they want and make fucked up drug deals.

3) Houses Built on Burial Grounds

Why would you buy a house that was built over an old burial ground?  I understand that the housing market is in turmoil, but come on!  The developer could’ve at least moved the bodies.  I understand the notion that the world has been spinning on it’s axis for so long and you’re bound to step on a grave or two.  It’s the desecrated burial grounds I’m worried about.  Likewise, houses that are build on top of torn down mental asylums *coughByberry *cough*  are filled with what I like to call “bad mojo”.  I don’t mess with these places, and neither should you.

2) Cannibalism

I know that this culinary practice isn’t just located in “The South”.  Cannibalism is everywhere people.  From bath salts to those who swore to serve and protect– cannibals could be anyone.  You could be living next to one!  I’m always on the alert for cannibals, because I believe that I’m probably pretty tasty.  After all, I eat a good amount of bacon.  Wait.  Don’t go around telling people that.  I might become a delicacy.

1) Clowns

Fuck clowns.  No joke.  I don’t care how much joy they supposedly bring to children, they bring me nothing but turmoil.  Now, I need to specify what type of clown I’m talking about.  I don’t run in fear from Juggalos or anyone that has a little bit of face paint speared on their eyes to resemble circus folk.  No.  I’m talking about the multicolored jumpsuits, colorful curly wigs, red noses, and over-sized shoes.  I don’t understand why the general population finds this type of entertainment heartwarming.  Clowns bring nothing to the table but creepiness and the excessive use of seltzer water.  I especially hate “little people” dressed as clowns.  Why.  Just–why would you combine those two terrifying things together?

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