I recently attended a Comedy Night at The Tritone in South Philly. I was really excited to go, because I love comedy. I know how hard it is to master this craft. My friend was also performing that night, and I was happy to support her. She did great! But I’m not writing this post to talk about how great she was. That’s for another time.
I understand that writing jokes and performing them in front of a crowd of strangers is terrifying. I have thought about entering the world of stand up, but ran away like a scared puppy. I tip my hat to those brave enough to attempt this form of entertainment. I also understand that most amateur comedians are; a bunch of potheads that watch way too much Family Guy, quote Family Guy at parties, are then told they are funny, and decide to start doing stand up comedy. I believe I experienced a majority of these assholes at The Tritone.
I’m not going to give you a play by-play on the terrible jokes I heard that night. No. Instead, I’m going to offer some observations and advice to these aspiring comedians:
1) A microphone is a device that electronically amplifies your voice so you can be heard easily within a crowded room. Singers often use this tool to enhance their performance, and not blow out their voice. In turn, comedians use a microphone when performing so the audience can hear their jokes. So, you don’t need to yell while using this device! Instead, simply tell me the jokes you’ve written. There is no need to shout them at me. I can hear you perfectly fine!
2) I never realized rape was so funny. I mean, the idea of violating a women sexually SIMPLY because the offender is to fat/ugly/uneducated/poor/pathetic to EVER have consensual intercourse with a woman—and therefore turns a violent act to be sexually satisfied— has never seemed very humorous to me. Could somebody please fill me in? Maybe I’m just too uptight? I’m sure that’s what all the male comedians would say. “Oh Jo Anna, try to find the humor in life. Taking a woman and forcing her to have sex with me in an alley is HILARIOUS when you really think about it. Especially when she’s crying!” You’re right guys. You’re so right. Rape is funny. Especially when rapists go to prison and, in turn, are taken advantage of by their bigger inmates. 🙂
3) You would think, in the year 2012 with anti segregation, interracial marriage, and a black president you wouldn’t stand up there in your Notorious B.I.G. shirt joking about how a black kid stole your bike. (Which, by the way, my 5-year-old cousin tells me this same joke. I laugh, and pretend that’s the first time I’ve ever heard it.) Yet here you are. Talking about how black kids don’t have fathers and they should be sitting in the back of a SEPTA bus. Clever. You’re so clever. Maybe you should get in a time machine and go back to the 1950s when everyone was a close-minded fuckhead. Maybe then you’ll get some laughs.
4) You’re a 32-year-old single man who can not hold a relationship with a woman your age because, well, they have no desire to speak to you. You’re dirty, you’re poor, and the only way you can get laid is by trolling OKCupid for underage girls. You take them to Red Lobster, and proceed to deflower them in the back of your SUV. Sometimes you attempt to have anal sex with them once you become “bored with their vagina”. I’m sorry. You seem to be in the wrong room. You must be late for your “pedophiles anonymous” meeting. This is a comedy show, and these character traits you just showed about yourself? They’re not funny. No, they’re sad. Very very sad.
I’d like to congratulate my friend for actually making me laugh that night. After being subjected to a number of dicks (literally and figuratively) I’m happy to say that one of the funnier comedians had a vagina. People say that women aren’t funny, but after that night—I’ll take vagina over dick any day.
If you were one of the comedians I referred to in the above statements I’m sure you’re thinking that I’m hiding behind my blog. You wished I’d said something at the show so you could’ve snapped back and called me fat or a slut. I don’t heckle. That’s rude. Instead, I like to sit back, process the thoughts I have, write something intelligent and worthwhile, and think before I speak. So. There.