Misery. Loneliness. Melancholy.
You curse February 14th as you draw the blinds to hide from the winter sun. No one knows true pain and loneliness as much as you do. Instead of exchanging pink heart-shaped boxes filled with processed sugar, you’re listening to The Cure. You know that Valentine’s Day is just a corporate creation designed to generate revenue for the greeting card industry. Why waste your time with this trivial holiday? You have better things to do–like contemplate the tragedy of life while chain-smoking outside of your local Wawa.
Yes, I agree with you. Valentine’s Day can be pretty annoying, but it’s not going anywhere. Valentine’s Day is here to stay! Wipe off that makeup and tackle that Valentine’s Day despair head on.
Here are a few melancholy ways will help you endure Valentine’s Day.
Read Edgar Allen Poe
First, we’ll start with history’s goth icon, Edgar Allen Poe. You could go the direct route and read his poem Romance, but I suggest reading Annabel Lee. It’s guaranteed to rip your heart out. If you’re not in the mood for poetry, read Ligeia. It’s a gruesome love story that Poe published back in 1838. Some people say it’s a satire. Others believe it was one of Poe’s opium stupors. If that’s the case, thank God for opium.
Watch Dario Argento’s “Jenifer”
If you’re looking to make Valentine’s Day a little gruesome and awkward this short film does the trick. Snuggle up with your tortured soulmate and watch as Dario Argento gives new meaning to the phrase “butter face.” In 2005, an anthology series called Masters of Horror brought together some of horror’s best auteurs. Jenifer is one of my favorites. Based on the comic book by Bruce Jones, Jenifer makes you feel weird in places you’ve never felt before.
Go To The Bathaus
Even though Valentine’s Day lands on a Friday this year you can still celebrate your disdain all weekend long. Let’s face it, everyone else will be dragging it out–so you can too! Get your ass to The Bathaus on 8th and Fitzwater on Feb 15th where you can unhappily bounce around to the final BATASTROPHE. Yep, this is their last hurrah and if you’re as goth as you say you are, you better be there. You’ll hear Deathrock, Batcave, Post-Punk, and Dark Punk all night. This place has indoor smoking and “cheap booze.” I know. I know. I had you at indoor smoking.
Talk About The Dark History of Valentine’s Day
Valentines Day might be a Hallmark manipulation these days, but it’s origins are pretty twisted. For instance, from February 13 to 15th, Romans would celebrate the feast of Lupercali, which consisted of sacrificing a dog and a goat, skinning said dog and goat, stripping naked, wearing their hides, and then beating women with the leftover hides.
Let’s not forget about the beating and beheading of St. Valentine. Maybe this holiday isn’t as sappy and pathetic after all.
You don’t need to hate Valentine’s Day entirely. There are ways to celebrate that only someone as dark and complicated as you can enjoy.