When I’m listening to the weatherman– I sometimes have to double-check my television. You see, when Al Roker starts talking about a polar vortex I wonder if he’s a guest star on Avalanche Sharks…. and I had been accidentally watching Netflix this whole time. Of course, I understand that weathermen need to come up with these ridiculous names in order to keep our attention. Well, they’ve caught my attention. These continuous weather disasters and forewarnings can’t be ignored and I feel like I’m constantly living in the first half hour of an apocalypse film.
I’d hate to be another one of those bloggers to talk about this but…. have ya noticed the crazy weather lately? One day it’s 50 degrees outside and the next day it’s the terrible plot twist to an over-budgeted film. Here’s how it goes. We have 5 or 6 pleasant days. We all walk around with the wind in our hair and the sun beaming down onto our faces. We’re laughing in the park as we throw our trash onto street corners— unaware of our impending doom. Then! We’re suddenly warned of a superstorm destined to kick our asses and the only way to survive is to acquire copious amounts of eggs, bread, and milk.
And so the cycle goes.
Our summers grow hotter every year. In late summer, we’re naming a different hurricane every week. Today, the earth decided to turn against us and bring Santa’s ideal climate to our front door. Christmas is over earth. Go home. You’re drunk.
Speaking of drunk, Rush Limbaugh took it upon himself to single-handedly disprove global warming. He claimed the polar vortex was simply a media creation designed to lie to the general public about the “hoax” of climate change. The White House released their own statement; saying the polar vortex was probably caused by global worming. Obama’s Science and Technology Advisor went on to say the polar vortex “is a pattern that we can expect to see with increasing frequency as global warming continues.” Could global warming be the culprit of all these extreme weather patterns we’re seeing? Or is Michael Bay somewhere pulling the strings?
Then of course there are the End of Days fanatics. To them, climate change isn’t a scientific term– but God’s intervention. In the Old Testament God used to straight up strike people down with lightning. He even flooded the earth so he could get a “do over” with humans. Nowadays, God flexes his cosmic muscles with these bouts of unbearable weather. It’s a sign that the second coming of Christ is right around the corner. Before we know it we’ll be strapping our friends down and trying to exercise demons from them.
The scientific evidence is out there. Climate change has increases the temperature of the planet by 0.14°F every decade. 2001-2010 was the warmest decade on record since 1901 and emissions of carbon dioxide and greenhouse gases grew 2.2%. The UN even released a warning that global warming will continue to damage the planet unless we start to use clean energy and cut down on emissions. Maybe we should focus on the planet’s biggest climate change offender and convince them to change their energy sucking ways. Oh wait, it’s The United States? Crap.
Is climate change just a way for the earth to mature into a new age, or are we doomed to eventually hurl into the sun? The debate could go on forever. If those shitty disaster films have taught us anything it’s that we should never ignore the warning signs. Is this strange weather pattern a bad Syfy Channel original waiting to happen? Who knows. I’m ready and waiting for the next mega storm. I’ll be clutching my bible with one hand and my cricket bat with the other. Bring it.